Socrates said an unexamined life is not worth living. To reach the Socratic end of a fully examined life one can turn to the internet, which is awash in quizzes that allow one to examine and compare his or her character or life to numerous cultural touchstones. Some of these quizzes are: Which 80’s Movie Are You? Which Shakespeare Character Are You? Which “Friends” Character Are You? Which President Are You?
40 Foot Buffet believes that the above quizzes are insufficient for fully examining one’s life. Socrates would likely not approve either. Socrates once locked Plato in a cave for two weeks after Plato tried to get Socrates, Plato’s teacher and mentor, to take the Which Greek God Are You? quiz which was going around at the time.
To illustrate our point, think of these quizzes as digging for treasures buried deep within your psyche. With a quiz such as Which 80’s Movie Are You? you barely scratch the surface. It’s like digging for treasure with a spork from KFC. Maybe you’ll get to the Super Ego before the spork breaks. With a metal spoon or maybe a kid’s plastic beach shovel you’ll get a little deeper to the Ego. But to get to the good stuff – the dark stuff, the otherwise inaccessible treasures of our personality – we need to reach the Id, which, according to Freud, is the pleasure-seeking, amoral, egocentric part of psyche. Until you know that part of yourself, you cannot have a fully examined life.
Always wanting to provide a service to reader, 40 Foot Buffet offers the following quiz – Which Serial Killer Are You? Think of it as the quiz equivalent of a Caterpillar Model 365CL Excavator, which will get you deep down to the Id.
How to take the quiz: Answer each of the questions below. Compare your selections with the key below. For example, if you pick mostly a’s then you are more like serial killer “a”. If you chose mostly b’s, then you a more like serial killer “b,” etc… (Suggested quiz-taking music: Talking Heads’ “Psycho Killer.”)
1. What childhood or early adult trauma would you prefer to suffer?
(a) Being orphaned
(b) Finding out that your older “sister” is really your mother, who conceived you out of wedlock and that your father may or may not be your grandfather, a violent bigoted racist
(c) Discovering you were illegitimately born and then adopted
(d) Being abused by an alcoholic father who calls you “sissy”
(e) Seeing your sister killed and then eaten by Heinrich Himmler’s death squads
(f) Walking in on your grandparents while they are experimenting with new positions from the Karma Sutra with your dog
2. What would be your ideal souvenir?
(a) Slide of victim’s blood
(b) Victim’s heads
(c) Who needs souvenirs?
(d) Keeping the bodies in the crawl space under your house
(e) A gourmet meal with the victim’s organs, preferably with fava beans and a nice Chianti
(f) A photo of you with your victim in a t-shirt that reads: “I was killed by a brilliant serial killer and all I got was this lousy t-shirt”
3. Which method seems like the best way to find, lure or capture potential victims?
(a) Injecting them from behind with etorphine hydrochloride, an animal tranquilizer
(b) Wearing a fake cast, asking for help carrying things, and then bludgeoning the Good Samaritan
(c) Shooting unsuspecting women or couples in cars
(d) Offering them drugs and then kidnapping them
(e) Tracking them down
(f) Attending local Boy Scout or Girl Scout troop meetings
4. Which of the following sounds like a desirable profession, job, or employer for you?
(a) Blood splatter analyst for police department
(b) Law student and local operative for Republican presidential and gubernatorial candidates
(c) U.S. Postal Service
(d) Managing a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant for your in-laws; Democratic precinct captain
(e) Forensic Psychiatrist
(f) Trump’s Press Secretary
5. Which car would you prefer to drive?
(a) A car from the forensic lab pool
(b) Yellow Volkswagen Beetle
(c) Ford Galaxie
(d) Black Oldsmobile
(f) Lime-green Ford Pinto
6. Which of the following triggers would start your killing spree?
(a) Your adoptive father, having recognized your sociopathic tendencies at an early age, gives you permission to kill a known killer
(b) Being dumped by your girlfriend with whom you are infatuated but she thinks you have no real goals or direction in life and are not “husband material”
(c) Your neighbor’s dog telling you to do so
(d) A second divorce
(e) A verbal insult from your aunt with whom you have developed a pseudo-romantic relationship
(f) Having you favorite team from Dancing with the Stars eliminated
7. Which little-known fact would you mention about yourself to make small talk at dinner party?
(a) You trained in jujitsu in college
(b) You like to ski
(c) You attended Woodstock
(d) You like to dress up as a clown named “Pogo”
(e) You have an extra middle finger on your left hand
(f) You listen to Barry Manilow albums backwards for hidden messages and sleep in a coffin full of potato salad
(a) “Dexter Morgan” from the Dexter series of books and the Showtime program
(b) Ted Bundy
(c) David Berkowitz a.k.a. “Son of Sam”
(d) John Wayne Gacy
(e) “Hannibal Lecter”
(f) Please seek help immediately.
Flipping Socrates’ adage on its head, 40 Foot Buffet says, “An over-examined life is not lived.” So stop taking these dumb quizzes, step away from the computer, and go outside and do some living. (Unless you are feeling triggered, then please stay inside.)
In case you are wondering, 40 Foot Buffet is “St. Elmo’s Fire”, Desdemona, Joey, and Woodrow Wilson, and Hannibal Lecter.