25 Random Things About Jesus, Lion of the Tribe of Judah

Evidently this meme has been around longer than we thought. The below is a translation from one of the many scrolls discovered in 1973 by two incredibly lost and high Grateful Dead fans when their VW van broke down near some hills outside of Jerusalem on their way from Chicago to a Grateful Dead concert in San Francisco. Biblical scholars are calling the collection the Dead Head Scrolls. Carbon dating of all of the scrolls indicates they were written between 31 C.E. to 33 C.E.

The following is believed to be the only surviving record of any writing by Jesus. (Peter signed for the bill at the Last Supper even though the reservation was in Jesus’ name.) Belief in Jesus’ authorship of this scroll is based on several assumptions. One, only Jesus could have foretold the events mentioned in the scroll. Until recently scholars were stumped by a number of the items mentioned below. Two, the estimated date of the “25 Random Things” scroll is 32 C.E., one year before Jesus went back to heaven. Third, and most importantly, the scroll was written in red ink.

1. I prefer James Caviezel over William Defoe.

2. But I like Peter Gabriel’s soundtrack from The Last Temptation better.

3. I didn’t really want to be a carpenter or The Messiah.  I wanted to play the dumbek (goblet shaped drum) in a ska band. The band would have been called The Only Begotten and the Horns of Salvation.

4. Those South Park guys are pretty funny. But Dad does not think so.

5. Even I don’t fully understand The Book of Revelations.

6. Man, was it hard not to taunt my younger brothers.

7. WWJD? First of all, I wouldn’t wear those bracelets. Or those hideous Skele-Toe shoes.

8. Mary Magdalene was smokin’ hot.

9. George Burns playing my dad was way off the mark. Besides, He prefers Cubans.

10. Please stop putting crosses everywhere. I am still a little freaked out at the site of them.

11. I prefer Tribe.net, because, you know, I am a Member of the Tribe.

12. I would have let Mark sit on my right hand side but he had a bad case of halitosis. I could have mentioned it and cured it, but I didn’t want to embarrass him in front of the others. He was very sensitive that way.

13. For my bar mitzvah all I received was a new hammer, some earthenware bowls and three pieces of silver. I wish the Wise Men had shown up again with some more loot. My cousin John brought me some locusts and honey. What was up with that?

14. Jesus Christ Superstar? Damn straight!

15. The Holy Spirit snores so loudly it scares small woodland animals and keeps me up at night.

16. The Da Vinci Code – PUH-lease!

17. The pope does wear a funny hat. We didn’t tell him to do that.

18. The service at the Last Supper was awful. Had gratuity not automatically been added to the bill, we definitely would have tipped less than 10%.

19. I could kick Santa Claus’s ass – and I don’t mean his donkey.

20. Jesus and Mary Chain rock!

21. George Carlin, the pork chops are on the way. I’ll send them down as soon as they are ready.

22. Remember that one time, at savior camp, when I cast out the demons out of that guy and into the pigs? That was cool.

23. The H stands for Humperdinck.

24. The Tower of Babel was the first flash mob. I didn’t have anything to do with that.

25. Really, what would I do? Just be a little nicer to each other down there. Is that too much to ask?

Bonus Item – I have kick ass recipe for tabbouleh.  The angels up here can’t get enough of it.  You know how to contact me if you want it.

2 thoughts on “25 Random Things About Jesus, Lion of the Tribe of Judah

  1. Read the Jesus bit, and unfortunately can’t stand near you in the future, as the lightening bolt could strike at any time, probably explains the delay on our Texas deal too. Great stuff.

    Like

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