And on the Second Day God Said Let There Be . . . A Word from Our Sponsor

Voice-over: “ESPN – the universe’s leader in sports and entertainment programming presents… the creation of the universe by the Judeo-Christian diety.’ Brought to you by: Budweiser – Crisp, clean Beechwood-aged Budweiser. Hey, Man Upstairs, for all you do, this Bud’s for you. Swanson’s ‘Hungry Man’ Dinners – Because after a hard day of creating the birds in the trees and the mountains and the streams, you’re gonna need a little extra meat on your plate. Fast acting Tylenol caplets – Don’t let aches and pain slow down a six-day project, fast acting Tylenol gets rid of everyday muscle fatigue and you back into the game fast. And, Viagra – Look, this new place needs to be populated and there’s only so many hours in the day one guy can work on it. When humanity depends on you, see what blue can do for you.”

“Welcome, everyone, to ESPN 7’s fifteen-part series covering the creation of the universe. Today we are to witness the Judeo-Christian creation of the universe. I am your announcer Stan Lardner. And here with me providing color commentary is the always snazzy Trent Vaughn. And speaking of color, that suit speaks volumes.”

“Thank you, Stan the Man. It is good to be here today. I am glad you like the suit. It was a gift from Deion Sanders.”

“What can we expect see today, Trent?

“This upstart Judeo-Christian god is new to the pantheon scene. We do not know much about him – or her – yet. What we see today will give us some much needed insight and, hopefully, a glimpse of things we can expect in the future.”

“This god is simply being called ‘Lord God.’ Is that what you have been told?”

“Yes – or just ‘God’ to his friends. I have also heard the name “YHWH” mentioned several times. And I have been told by some of my sources that God sometimes calls himself, ‘I Am.’”

“Hmmm . . . I Am . . . what? Omniscient? Omnipotent? One Bad Ass Deity? Hungry?”

“Just simply ‘I Am’, but I suppose any of those might apply.”

“That is a bit vague, don’t you think? I think we’ll just stick with God. YHWH doesn’t have any vowels and might not play well in the Midwest. Plus, who ever heard of an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac staying up all night wondering if there is a HWHY.”

“Good point, Stan the Man.”

“Please stop calling me that.”

“Okay. Sorry.”

“In case our viewers are joining us for the first time, perhaps you can give them a sample of what we have seen so far in our coverage of world creations.”

“My pleasure. To date, we have seen the Chinese god Pan Gu, the sub-Saharan African Boshongo god Bumba and the Egyptian god Ra-Atum each create the universe, the earth and the first man and woman.“

“We have been hearing rumors all week that God is planning on creating the universe and everything in it in only six days.”

“That’s right: six days. Six days is in stark contrast to the 36,000 years it took Pan Gu to create the universe. You covered that didn’t you, Stan?”

“Yes, I did, Trent. That was some broadcast.”

“Tell us about it.”

“Well, first of all we never thought it would end. Pan Gu, the offspring of Yin and Yang, grew in the darkness of a giant primordial egg for 18,000 years. Let me tell you, one starts to run out of things to say after the first few thousand years.”

“I bet. What happened after the 18,000 years was up?”

“Pan Gu split the giant egg open with an axe from the inside and the light and clear parts of the egg floated up to form the heavens and the heavy and opaque parts fell down to form the earth. Pan Gu stood up and with all of his might further separated the heavens from the earth. For another 18,000 years, Pan Gu grew and pushed the heavens and earth further apart by an amount of 10 feet per day.”

“Sounds like a tough job.”

“Indeed. After 18,000 years of pushing the heavens and earth apart, Pan Gu lay down for a rest, but died.”

“Bummer.”

“Yes, but from his death the rest of the universe was created. Pan Gu’s breath became the wind, his voice became thunder, his left eye became the sun, his right eye became the moon and his hair and whiskers became the stars. The rest of his body became mountains, roads, rivers, plants, trees, metals, gem and rocks.”

“Talk about your cosmic recycling.”

“It was quite a show. Trent, you also covered the creations by Bumba in sub-Saharan Africa and Ra-Atum in Egypt. Briefly tell us about those before we see what this Lord God can do.”

“Well, Stan, Bumba certainly had a unique way of creating the world. This is not for the weak of stomach, but here goes: Bumba created the world by vomiting. Evidently he was out partying the night before with Vishnu, Bacchus and three of the Japanese Separate Heavenly Deities. Evidently a lot of wine and sake was involved.”

“That Bacchus, heh heh, he’ll get you every time.”

“Yes, he will. As creations typically go, the world was nothing but watery darkness at first. After a period of retching and straining, Bumba vomits up the sun. The sun dries up the some of the water and dry land appears. After that Bumba hurls again and out comes the moon and stars, providing light for the night. In one last purge Bumba vomits animals and men.”

“Wow! I wonder what he had had to eat the night before? Whatever it was, I plan to avoid it.”

“Good idea, Stan.”

“Tell us about the Egyptian creation.”

“I have to tell you: it was the first – and thankfully only – act of onanistic creation I have ever seen.”

“Onan . . . ?”

“I was trying to use more polite phrasing. ‘Onanism’ means masturbation, Stan.”

“Oh.”

“No. More like “’ooooh.’”

“Masturbation. Can we even say that on the air?”

“Maybe the network will bleep it out.”

“I just hope we don’t have any wardrobe malfunctions. I don’t want to go back to announcing junior high basketball games. Anyway, go on with your onanism.”

“Well, Ra-Atum was the first Egyptian god. He rose into existence from the first primeval mound of earth that extended out of the Nun, the dark, watery abyss. After a while Ra-Atum . . . ummm . . . pleasured himself, took his semen in his mouth and then spit it out to create Shu and Tefenet, brother and sister as the god of air and god of moisture, respectively.”

“’Ooooh’ is right.”

“As children are wont to do, they wandered off into the Nun and got lost. To find them Ra-Atum sent his divine Eye to search for Shu and Tefenet. When the two were brought back safely, Ra-Atum wept tears of joy. From these tears the first humans were formed.”

“That is a touching – if slightly gross – story. Thanks for the recap, Trent. Okay, folks. It appears that God is ready to begin. Right now we are looking at darkness, utter and complete darkness. Let’s listen it.

“Let there be light. I will call the light ‘day’ and the darkness ‘night’.”

“Woah! That is some voice he has.”

“There it is folks, light. No more deep, eternal darkness.”

“I bet God was tired of losing things in the dark.”

“Yes, Trent, a smart move on God’s part. It appears he has learned from the mistakes of some of the other gods in their creations. I believe a Norse god created man and animals before he created the light. That caused all kinds of problems – problems that even linger today as Norway has several months of 24 hour darkness.”

“I’d say we’ve got some intelligent design going on here.”

“Intelligent – but perhaps a bit lazy. I am getting reports that this is all God is going to create today.”

“I guess its Miller Time with Bacchus and Bumba. Ha ha ha.”

“So until tomorrow, we bid you farewell. For Trent Vaughn and the entire production staff, I thank you for watching.”

++++

“Welcome back, everyone. If you are joining us for the first time we are covering the Judeo-Christian Creation by God. We are on day six and so far we have seen some pretty amazing things. On the first day, God created light and separated the lightness from the dark. On the second day he created land and separated it from water. On day three, God created all plant life. Day four brought us the sun, moon and stars. On day five we saw the creation of bird and creatures of the sea. Based on our coverage of other creations, it appears that God still needs to create land-based animals including man before he can call it quits. Here with me again in the booth is snazzy Trent Vaughn. Trent? ”

“Well, Stan, things have been going smoothly for God. Creation has happened in an orderly fashion, with God simply speaking things into existence. This creation has not been dramatic as some of the others I have seen. Maybe today, the last day, will add some excitement.”

“Well, Trent, let’s watch and listen. God is getting ready to it today. He has a lot to do still.”

“Let the earth bring forth living creatures after their kind: cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth after their kind.”

“There they are, viewers, all the land-based animals.”

“Look at them all, Stan. That is quite a variety. Tall ones, short ones, cute ones, ugly ones, some edible ones . . .”

“Trent, we don’t have any time to admire God’s handy-work. It looks like he is ready to do some more creating.”

“Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

“There he is: the first man. I believe he is going to be called ‘Adam’. Trent, your thoughts?”

“Two arms, two legs, two eyes, two ears. Opposable thumbs. Walking upright. Kind of hairy, but not too bad. Overall, I’d say God created a functional, well-balanced – if uninspired – human. I am a little surprised that God made man similar to all the humans created by other gods. I was hoping that we would see a little more creativity. Maybe eyes on the back of the head, three arms, the ability to fly. Maybe a different color like orange or green. Something a little more festive.”

“I agree, Trent. A tad on the boring side, but this God seems to know what he is doing. History will give us the final answer on how man fares on earth. Trent, I am just getting word that God has given Adam the task of naming all of the animals. We have some microphones down there. Let’s take a listen.”

“I name you ‘Elephant.’ You shall like peanuts and be afraid of mice. I name you ‘Platypus’ which means ‘God joking around.’ And, you over there, flightless bird. I name you ‘Dodo bird.’”

“Hmmm, Stan. I don’t know about that last one. ‘Dodo bird’ seems like he is not giving that bird much of chance.”

“You have a point there. I suspect we won’t be seeing too many great things from the Dodo bird.”

“Hmmmm. Look at Adam.”

“What is it?”

“Since naming all of the animals he has just been moping around.”

“Yeah, I see that. He seems lonely. It looks like he is lying down to sleep now. He’s gathered up a bunch of palm fronds and moss and has made a bed of sorts. This man seems pretty clever. We haven’t seen any monkeys or gorillas do that.”

“We have seen some beavers build some pretty impressive dams, but I don’t think Adam’s teeth are cut out for gnawing down trees.”

“Trent, Adam is now asleep. . . Oh my! A giant hand just opened up his side and pulled out a rib. Is God hungry? No wait, wait. He is making a woman out of Adam’s rib.”

“Remarkable. There is some of the creativity I was hoping to see.”

“Adam is waking up now. He is looking around, rubbing his side where the rib was just removed. He sees the woman. He is a bit surprised. The bewilderment is turning into a pleasing smile. He is about to say something. Let’s listen.”

“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’ for she was taken out of man. Now, can you get me something to eat and a beer?”

“Trent, what is your take on this?”

“It appears that Adam is setting a good precedent for the different roles that men and women will play.”

“We are being told that the woman will be called ‘Eve’. And now that we have the first couple, I think this is a good time to go to our on field reporter, Jan Johnston. Jan, give us a sense of what things are like down there.”

“Thanks, Stan. It is really quite fantastic down here. Some might even call it a paradise. I am in what is being called the ‘Garden of Eden.’ This Garden is very lush, very colorful. There are trees of every imaginable type of fruit. Vegetables are growing wild and abundantly. Animals of every shape, size and color are roaming around peacefully. Any kids viewing at home would surely get a kick out of this place – it is like a giant petting zoo.”

“Sounds nice, Jan. What I think our viewers will be most interested in is hearing a few words from the first man and woman – Adam and Eve. Have you seen them yet, Jan?”

“Yes, I have, Stan. I see them now near the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. They appear to be talking to a snake. Let me walk over there and see if I can get a word or two from them. . . Excuse me, Adam, Eve. Hi, my name is Jan Johnston. I am from ESPN 7. We are covering the creation. Do you have a few minutes to talk to us?”

“Sure”, says Adam. Both Adam and Eve turn around and emerge from behind a neck-high bush.

“Whoa! You’re both naked. We’re on live TV!”

“Really?” Eve asks. Both Adam and Eve look at each other and then at Jan. “Naked? What is that?”

“Nude. In the buff. In your birthday suit. Not wearing any clothes!”

“We haven’t noticed.”

“Well I am sure the FCC has.” Jan looks around and pulls some leaves off of low hanging branches and other plants. “Here. Put these on. Stan, I better move it back up to you while Adam and Eve cover themselves up down here.”

“No problem, Jan. Well, that was unexpected, Trent.”

“Indeed it was. I bet there are a lot of guys out there who are thankful for Tivo right now.”

”Okaaay, Trent. I think this is a good time to hear a word from our sponsor, The Gideons – putting a Bible in every hotel bedside table since 1899. . . . I am doomed. I am going back to junior high basketball games.”

++++

“Welcome back, everyone. And we would like to welcome viewers on the East Coast who have just finished watching the Scandinavian god, Odin, slay the evil frost giant Ymir and create the world from his remains. Right before the break, Jan Johnston, our on-field reporter, was about to have a few words with Adam and Eve, the first humans. Take it away, Jan.”

“Thanks, Stan. I’m here with the clothed Adam and Eve. Adam, how does it feel to be the first human?”

“Well, my side hurts a little, but other than that, I feel great.”

“Yes, we saw Even get created from one of your ribs. That did look painful.”

“Eve, how about you? How do you feel?”

“Fine, just fine. We have everything we could ever want here. There are plenty of fruits and vegetables to eat. All the animals are peaceful. Adam won’t have to till the soil. I’ve been told I won’t have painful child births. There is no sickness, no death. This is really a special place. I hope we never have to leave, Jan.”

“I agree. I would hate myself if I did anything to get kicked out of this wonderful place. Before our break, I saw the both of you talking to a snake. What were you talking about with him, Eve? Do all the animals here talk?

“That snake is the only one that has spoken to us so far. The snake approached me first. He wanted me to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.”

“And what did you say to him?”

“Well, Adam told me that God said that we should not eat the fruit of that tree.”

“Adam, did God say why not?”

“Yes. He said we ‘will surely die.’”

“Ooooh, harsh. This God fellow sounds pretty tough – and surprising after having just created you and this beautiful garden. Eve, what did you say to the snake?”

“He started to go on about how if we ate the fruit we wouldn’t really die and that we’d be as smart as God and then you came along and he slithered away.”

“Oh, sorry about that. I better let you get back to your conversation with the snake. Stan, Trent, I send it back up you.”

“Thanks, Jan. Joining us here in the booth is Zeus, Greek god and supreme ruler of Mount Olympus and the Pantheon of gods who reside there. Welcome, Zeus.”

“Thanks. It is good to be here, Stan.”

“Tell us, what do you think about what you’ve seen here over the past several days?”

“I am quite impressed. It is nice to see the universe getting created in six days in such a peaceful and family-friendly fashion. No one vomited. No giants had to be killed. No one pleasured himself. It is something to be proud of. However, giving humans free will like God has done. . . I don’t know. I think he is setting up humanity to fail. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.”

“Thanks for joining us, Zeus. Well, folks, Lord God said he is going to rest tomorrow and, I think we need a bit of rest, too. For me, Trent Vaughn and the rest of the ESPN 7 crew, good night and thanks for watching.”

 

 

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