Men, are you to blame for the inability of your wife to get pregnant? Tired of shelling out big bucks to be poked, prodded and examined by doctors with cold hands? Is your wife getting jealous of that little specimen cup? Well, 40 Foot Buffet has just the solution for you! General Eisenhower inspired the Allied troops to victory in the historic Battle of Normandy with a pithy yet memorable speech. As one member of 40 Foot Buffet has discovered, a similar speech (see below) can be used to motivate your soldiers to success. So, clear your throat, look down to your crotch and let loose with that commanding, fatherly voice you’ll need in the years to come.
TO: SEMEN OF THE ALLIED FERTILITY FORCE
FROM: YOUR FATHER, SUPREME HEADQUARTERS, ALLIED FERTILITY FORCE
RE: OPERATION FATHERLORD
Brave and Heroic Swimmers,
You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which we have striven these many months. The eyes of the world are upon you, especially eyes in and around the in-laws’ place and several places in France. The hopes and prayers of liberty-loving, fertile people everywhere go with you. One of you brave swimmers will bring forth the fertilization of the Mighty Egg, which in turn could create a man or woman capable of uniting the Red States and the Blue States, eliminating Clear Channel tyranny over radio airwaves, securing for mankind a free world, or costing me thousands and thousand of dollars when he or she says, “Dad, med school isn’t an option anymore. I’m joining a commune.”
Your task will not be an easy one. Your target is very finicky, well trained, well equipped and battle-hardened. You will ultimately have to fight savagely amongst your brethren in order to complete the ultimate task at hand. You have trained hard and the experts say you are in good shape.
Much has happened since the Pill’s triumphs of 1999-2003. In the past, the Pill and its warriors have inflicted great defeats in open battle, swimmer-to-swimmer. However, now, the Pill has been vanquished. The lack of oral contraceptive has created fertile ground for you. The blockades around the fallopian tubes have been destroyed. The Pill’s previous strength in the air and on the ground has been diminished. Our Home Front and the Spice Channel have given us an overwhelming superiority in weapons and munitions of war, and placed at our disposal great reserves of trained swimmers. The tide has turned! You strong men are swimming together to Victory! And let’s not forget the huge amount of money invested in medication and the amount of poking, probing, and prodding The Mother has gone through, too.
I have full confidence in your courage, devotion to duty and skill in this endeavor. We will accept nothing less than full Victory!
Good Luck! And let us all beseech the blessing of Almighty God upon this great and noble undertaking.
P.S. Sorry about all those other false alarms.