Spider Man’s Letter to the Female Persona in The Chainsmokers’ ”Something Like This”

writing-spiderman

Dear Madam,

I think you DO want something just like me. The dude singing, Chis, he’s wuss. He married a lady that advocates putting jade eggs in your vagina. For health reasons, she says. For health reasons, I think Miley Cryus could kick his ass.  Anyway, he sounds pretty lame. I guess he’s just been lying around his house reading all these boring classical book. He needs to get out the house more. If you’re looking for love, I have so much more that I can offer you.

It appears that Chris doesn’t think too highly of himself.  Plus, he ain’t got no game. How does he expect to impress a fine lady such as yourself when he starts out by saying he’s a nerd (not one of those rich computer kind either) and throws shade at himself?

And I think he might be depressed. He’s probably in the bathroom right now crying with shower on so that his roommates can’t hear him bawling and trying to figure out who else he doesn’t compare to. Owen Meany? Ignatius Reilly? The big, dumb guy from Of Mice and Men?

Let’s discuss this dude’s other reading choices: “The testaments they told.” Clearly he means the Old Testament of the Bible. This should be a major warning sign! The OT is filled with stories of harems, multiple wives, wives turning into salt, massive floods, and an angry God smiting people left and right. Not to mention slavery and treating women as second class citizens. You don’t want to get hooked up with a bloke who is reading this stuff all day long. (And don’t forget no bacon.) I’m a New Testament kinda guy. Turn the other cheek, love your enemies, and turning water into wine.  I’m a lover not a smiter, baby.

Achilles and Hercules may have been bad-asses in their time but I don’t see any movie franchises based on them. They may have a few books and some pottery, but I’ve raking in the Benjamins from movies, comics, merchandising – domestic and international. I can by you whatever you want.

And Batman, puh-lease. He’s too moody, all dark and depressed down in his bat cave. You know what bats are all bout, don’t you? Guano. Haven’t you ever head the term “bat shit crazy”? It wasn’t made up for Batman, but it certainly applies to him.

I’d be worried about Batman for a few other reasons, too. One, he has serious abandonment issues as both parents were murdered when he was young.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s sad and I feel bad for him, but you never know what darkness lurks under that enhanced suit that bulging codpiece. I’ve seen him naked before.  Two words for you: false advertising. What else could be lying about – his love for you?

Another reason you should be concerned is about gender roles and his expectations. He’s been taken care of his whole life by Alfred, his butler. Alfred is a nice guy, but he’s, like, 100 years old. After Alfred dies, who do you think will have to clean up all that guano? Unless there is a Bat Vacuum or he has that Dyson dude on speed dial, I’m afraid it’s going to be you.

Also, don’t think you’ll be able to cash in on his superhero or Wayne fortunes. I’m sure he has a team of lawyers that will have you signing a pre-nuptial that will somehow have you paying him money if you so much as look at another ripped guy in a colorful spandex suite – e.g., me.

And don’t forget the mention of Batman’s “fists.”  Those aren’t happy fists. Those are fists of anger, range, hatred. I doubt he punched Alfred because then he would not have anyone to bring him breakfast every morning. If he doesn’t punch Alfred, then baby, you better look into some self-defense classes.

I don’t know why Superman is even mentioned. Everyone knows he has the hots for Lois Lane. It’s not even worth going into.

I won’t spend all my time dissing others. I’ve been listening to you. You just want somebody to kiss?  Did you see my movie with that Toby fellow? Remember that upside down kiss on in the rain. Erotic city, yes?  I’ve got all kinds of kisses in my repertoire – upside down kisses, sideways kisses, French kisses, kisses with just little bit of tongue, kisses where you are wearing the mask and I’m not, kisses in which we swap a half sucked watermelon Jolly Ranchers, and a bag of Hershey’s kisses with a personalized romantic messages. Batman’s a fighter. I’m a lover.

Before concluding, we do need to have a serious talk about one thing: all this “doo-doo” you talk about.  I’m no prude but . . . If you want to dress up like the poop emoji, I’m totally cool with that.  I am open minded.

Soon to be yours,

Spidey

P.S. Please send picture. I’m  not sure what you look like.

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