51 More Ways to Leave Your Lover (with A. Wellman)

From the archives, early 2000s

Paul Simon really only gave us five ways to leave our lovers, which is woefully short of the number of suggestions promised in the song’s title. Why? Maybe he was too busy with Julio down by the schoolyard, which is very suspicious. Nevertheless, whether you need to plan an escape route or plant a seed of doubt, here are fifty more ways to leave your lover.

  1. Hop on a plane, Dewayne.
  2. Get hooked on meth, Seth.
  3. Say you want to marry Larry, Barry.
  4. Just lose a g’nad, Brad.
  5. Take the spiral highway, Ray.
  6. Escape through the loo, Lou.
  7. Crawl out the window, Bo.
  8. Catch a wave, Dave.
  9. Shimmy up the chimney, Jiminy.
  10. Steal a moped, Ed.
  11. Ride your motorbike, Ike.
  12. Do it with an intern, Vern.
  13. Get caught with a boy, Roy.
  14. Get eaten by Land Shark, Mark.
  15. Ride off on a one trick pony, Tony.
  16. Drive your car off the levy, Chevy.
  17. Become a prude, Dude.
  18. Jump off a cliff, Biff.
  19. Never put down the seat, Pete.
  20. Act like a pig, Mr. Big.
  21. Sleep with the nanny, Danny.
  22. Ride that unicycle, Michael.
  23. Get on your knees on crawl, Paul.
  24. Slip slide away, Michael Bay.
  25. Get swallowed by a snake, Jake.
  26. Hot wire a truck, Chuck.
  27. Withhold the nookie, Mookie
  28. Run off to Tex, Rex
  29. Say you’re not a man, Dan.
  30. Escape on a horse, Mr. Morse.
  31. Steal the diamonds from her shoe, Drew.
  32. Go after her daughter, Potter.
  33. Make your distance on a train, Wayne.
  34. Catch the next flight, Dwight.
  35. Hide under the rug, Doug.
  36. Speed off in your Dodge, Rog.
  37. Skate across the ice, Bryce.
  38. Slide down the pole, Cole.
  39. Just go, go, go, Diego.
  40. Go on the lam, Sam.
  41. Never come back from golf, Rolf.
  42. Go underground, Ezra Pound.
  43. Fly to Mars, Lars.
  44. Hijack a Segway, Jay.
  45. Jump in a time machine, Gene.
  46. Steal away on a ferry Jerry.
  47. Stow away on a ship, Chip.
  48. Hop on the BART, Art.
  49. Fly into the sky, Guy.
  50. Just go ahead and leave, Steve.
  51. Become a molester, Chester.


To help you find a new lover, we are offering a free membership to Match.com for the first five readers to find the seven above references to Paul Simon songs. Send answers to 40footbuffet@gmail.com or in the comments section.


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