Selections from the diary of Charlottesville’s Robert E. Lee statue, Painstakingly curated by Bill LaViolette

May 21, 1924: Finally back at home in the south with my people! This place is so much better than the Yankee-infested Brooklyn where I had been living. Brass band played “Dixie” for me while some folks chanted, “The south shall rise again.” Nice sentiment but I’m too old for that shit.

May 22, 1924: Fuck birds. Every fucking one of them – including penguins and dodos. My friends think I’m overreacting but how would they feel about their afternoon covered in pigeon shit? I’m underreacting to say the least.

December 2, 1930: Doing some mental inventory today. Bummed thinking about one of my biggest plans for the South: Comprehensive dental. History never focuses on that idea. Just think how good the south would have looked if we all had big, tooth-filled smiles.

February 15, 1942: Overheard someone talking about some Hitler guy and a group called, “Nazis.” As the greatest student ever at West Point I say for certain this Hitler and his like would have never gotten through the first day at USMA. He calls himself a leader? HOGWASH! This guy doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. I’ve been called a lot of things in my life but it would crush me if I were ever associated with this likes of this guy.

October 22, 1942: FINALLY! The soothing chill of fall wraps around me like a soft wool blanket. As I like to tell my friends I sure do love the south but I hate the heat. On a side note, some guy named “Strom” came by tonight and rambled on for what seemed like forever. What kind of name is “Strom” anyway? Said he would pledge eternal allegiance to me if I could pull some strings to get him elected president of the USA. No way in hell am I helping that peckerwood.

July 4, 1961: Hellfire and tarnation! 900 billion freaking degrees out here and there’s a bunch of nimrods in sheets with torches at 11 at night. Can’t a man get some rest around here? I have no idea what they’re planning but I do know one thing… If I were one of them I would definitely be going “rebel” underneath my sheet! That’s right! Nothing below my Mason/Dixon line, its too damn hot for a union suit today.

August 11, 2017: Woke up this morning to the annoying chants from a bunch of misfit “alt-right” people. I really don’t know what the “alt-right” is but I can assure you they’re pretty much what I had in mind when I said, “I cannot trust a man to control others who cannot control himself.” I wish these clowns would move their idolatry over to Stonewall Jackson. I never liked that guy.

August 12, 2017: Are you kidding me? It’s time for a new gig. I wish I could become a penny and spend the rest of my days living at the bottom of some fountain. Ahhhh, yes. That would be the life.

 

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