Where Are They Now? Nursery Rhymes Edition #1: Humpty Dumpty

After the king’s men and all the king’s horses failed to put Humpty back together again, he was rushed to a nearby hospital. (Of course the king’s horses couldn’t put Humpty back together – horses have hooves! Would you want horses to try to put you back together again?)  Doctors were able to put him back together again. Humpty felt he was sufficiently patched up to continue his wall-sitting career, but Mother Goose placed him on the injured reserve list for the rest of the season.

However, what was kept secret from the Mother Goose and the public is that Humpty suffered his 4th concussion in the fall.  This came to light after Humpty began to act erratically in the offseason.  The erratic behavior culminated with Humpty dazedly walking down Drury Lane singing “I’m a Little Teapot” after eating too many cannabis-laced muffins from The Muffin Man.  After being admitted to the hospital doctors ran MRIs and discovered the concussion. Humpty’s professional wall-sitting career came to an abrupt end.

Humpty was not ready for this turn of events. Having been drafted right out of high school by Mother Goose, he had not attended college and had no other marketable skills. Compounding his misery was the fact that he had mismanaged his money during his wall-sitting years and he was practically broke. This sent him into several years of spiraling depression, abuse of alcohol and prescription pain killers, and unable to speak in trochaic metre. At one point Humpty was arrested for breaking into Ms. Muffet’s house and stealing her tuffet to pawn for drug money.

The “scrambled years”, as Humpty calls them, ended when the alternative hip hop group Digital Underground released “The Humpty Dance” as the lead-off single from their album “Sex Packets.” For a “Rolling Stone” article about the song, a reporter found Humpty living on the streets in an organic, cage-free egg container from Whole Foods.

After being “rediscovered”, Humpty’s life began to improve. He cleaned up, went through rehab, and got his life back together. Occasional appearance with Digital Underground at concerts boosted his exposure and eventually led to appearances reality television shows such as “Dancing with the Stars” and “Celebrity Apprentice” that keep the careers of C & D-list celebrities alive way past their natural expiration dates.

Today, Humpty remains sober, lives outside of Phoenix, and is married to Mary Mary (from “Quite Contrary” fame). Humpty appears each year in advertisements and commercials for Paas Easter egg decorating kit.

Ironically, Humpty Dumpty could never do the Humpty Dance. His movements are limited because of cracks that did not properly heal after the Great Fall.

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