New Alt-Right Burger Menu Rolling Out at Trump’s Properties

Making Burgers Great Again!

“Priebus: Trump team meeting with Russian lawyer ‘a big nothing burger’” – Politico, 7/29/17

Rocking the political and culinary world with a mash up of the edible and the detestable, is a new burger menu with an Alt-Right theme to be rolled out at all Trump properties for summer-time dining enjoyment. Making Burgers Great Again!

Fake News Burger – Morning Star product of your choice, Imitation crab crab-cake, American “cheese”, movie theater popcorn “butter”, Bacon Bits, Cool Whip, between your choice of any bread from Liberty Imports’ Life-Sized 12 Piece Bread Set Pretend Play Toy Food Playset for Kids.

Death Spiral Burger – One patty of ground copies of the Affordable Care Act fried in bacon grease, a chicken-fried pork chop, a stick of butter, extra MSG, and extra salt between two maple bacon doughnut bars between two grilled cheese sandwiches. Served only by wheelchair-bound Medicaid recipients with a pre-existing condition that will lose coverage under TrumpCare.

Trump Burger – Ground well-done rib eye steak on Wonder Bread hamburger bun. Ketchup artfully comb over the top of the bun. No substitutions allowed! This burger is already great as is. A photograph of a shirtless Vladimir Putin provided with each burger.

White Power Burger – Proprietary blend of ground Spam and bologna, American cheese, mayonnaise, generous sprinkling of Steve Bannon’s wind-blown locks of hair, Wonder Bread hamburger bun. Prepared exclusively by former white prison inmates with a minimum of three white power or Nazi tattoos.

America First Burger – Ground ostrich seasoned with spices derived from the original copy of the 1930 Neutrality Act, Limburger cheese, fixings, condiments, and bun of your choice. The following may not be used on this burger: Grey Poupon mustard, French’s mustard, Russian dressing, any fixings grown outside of the United States or harvested by foreign migrant workers. Ask server for a list of prohibited items.

Paris Accord Pull Out Burger – Ground escargot and melted gruyere cheese on a croissant with French dressing with French fries. Note: To enjoy this dish to maximum extent possible, the food will be placed in front of you and then unceremoniously yanked off the table by a West Virginia coal miner with black lung.

Islamophobia Burger – Ground pork, 70 slices of bacon from virgin sows, fixings, condiments, and bun of your choice.

Border Wall Burger – Ground beef patty, nacho cheese sauce, Pace picante sauce, and fixings of your choice. All ingredients are certified to be grown, picked, transported, cooked, prepared, and served by non-Mexicans. Note: Can only be paid for in Mexican Pesos and you must show proof of someone else paying for it.

The Mooch Burger – Kobe beef ground with surplus copies of Scaramucci’s three self-help books, fixings and condiments of your choice, on an artisan roll. Please note this burger cannot be ordered with anyone under 21 present at your table. The waitress will yell profanities at you and suggest, in the foulest way possible, that you and your companions perform unspeakable and/or biologically impossible acts to each other and older relatives.  Your burger will then be quickly, but lovingly, prepared by the kitchen. While attempting your first bite, the chef will run out from the kitchen and knock the burger from your hand. What you do from there is up to you, you !#^!#~@, !^))(*)(*!

Nothing Burger – The Trump-Russia investigation between two buns. Russian dressing served on the side. One ounce of Beluga caviar may be added for an additional charge at market price.


Freedom Fries

Basket of Deplorables Fries (sweet potato)

Onion D’s (onion rings in a D shape; the O shape was too reminiscent of Obama.)


*10% discount for congressional members of the Freedom Caucus and internet trollers in the comment section of the websites of NPR, any Main Stream Media outlet, Mother Jones, BET, Anti-Defamation League, or the ACLU.

** We reserve the right to refuse service to immigrants, legal or illegal; Jews; Democrats; and anyone with brown skin.

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